Up until a couple days ago, I didn't have an office.

I used to have a home office. But it was taken over by the family for the computer and crafts, and whenever we have guests who need a place to stay (which is far more regularly than you might imagine), and for storage... and the room was re-named "spare room." I didn't mind at all. I am used to working wherever, finding wireless cafes, working in our living room, setting up shop at our coffee house (where I also don't have an office), etc. But that's the beauty of office to go.

But I had noticed my productivity and creativity were beginning to suffer lately. Especially since my role has become far more administrative as of late.

My daughter, Samantha - who will be ten in June and is growing up and becoming a young lady way faster than I'd like - wanted to switch rooms with the "spare room" because the "spare room" has a big closet (the biggest one in the house). "Why does a ten year old girl need a big closet?"... well, apparently that's a stupid question. So two days ago we switched the two rooms. She's growing up. We even had to buy her new bedding and accessories because her old stuff was for "little girls."

Samantha switching rooms is a move far bigger than switching rooms. It's allowing her space to grow up a little bit. Now, that's hard for a dad. Really hard. It seems like just yesterday that I held this little blonde baby in my arms and rocked her gently and thought "man, she looks like E.T." Now she needs a bigger closet?

Anyway, this meant that I had the opportunity to reclaim some office space (at the suggestion of my wifey... but I think she was just trying to soften the blow of my daughter growing up on me). So, I have set up shop in my new space. I am away all weekend, so I will paint it early next week because it's too "little girl" for me too.

Already, it has enhanced my productivity and comfort as I work. Hopefully, that will transfer into more creative thought. I'll try and post some pictures so you can all see where the magic happens.

Labels: family, personal

This video is of Cake... and it's delicious.

I was first introduced to Cake in 1996 when I lived in Barrie where I was a youth pastor. My friend, John-Mark, who has recently returned from Ghana where him, his wife and their two girls were missionaries for two years, played "Fashion Nugget" - a Cake CD - in the car one day and I instantly fell in love.

The funky drums, bass, and guitar, along with the catchy rhythms and unique vocal styling's won me over. I have been a big fan ever since. In fact, I have said on many occasions, when probed for such information, that they are one of my top five favourite bands of all time. I can often be seen and heard singing loudly to Cake tunes in my car. Cake makes me happy.

Music has always been huge in my life. From using music as therapy and escape from family feuds, to playing in several bands, to being a radio DJ for a while, to my church leadership experience, etc. I want to explore my life in music in some subsequent posts, bit by bit.

Labels: music, personal, videos

• We have been hosting a March Break mission experience called "something completely different" for high school students this week at The Freeway. Twenty students have slept in our basement, engaged in missional/kingdom teaching, worked on neighbourhood projects, created some artwork representing what they saw in our urban neighbourhood, and had some fun bowling, etc.
• We have had one of my blogging hero's from the UK staying at our house this week (while speaking at "something completely different"), Gordon Cotterill. Gordon happens to be a Salvation Army pastor who until very recently pastored the oldest SA congregation in the world located in Poplar, UK. He is a great guy... and a bit of a soul mate. We have had some very inspiring conversations... especially late night... while enjoying tea.
• Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be thirty-five years old. Holy smokes! I generally don't like my birthdays at all, but I am looking forward to tomorrow because I get to spend the morning speaking on Luke 10:1-12 to the high school students staying at The Freeway, the afternoon getting some work done on a new tattoo (I am getting a coy fish and some background work done on my right arm - yes, the arm that already has 10 tattoos on it), and the evening hanging out with some buddies. Good times.

Labels: blogging, personal, tattoos

Tonight at dinner... out of nowhere... leaning on his elbow on the table... our youngest son, Jacob, said "Dad, I have bad news. I can't fart. I have a clog in my bum."

Priceless.

Labels: family, personal

One of my musical and spiritual hero's died on Sunday. Larry Norman had a profoundly significant impact on my life. His music meant something. I saw him in concert three times. My brother and I own all his albums. I will miss him.

Labels: personal, videos

I mentioned recently that I have been experiencing some health issues for the last few months. Well, actually I am basically falling apart physically. The old body ain't what it used to be.

Anyway, "they" are still doing some tests on my heart, etc. and today [for 24 hours] I have to be hooked up to a heart monitor.

Nothing makes you feel forty years older than being hooked up to wires and a heart device [except for getting up to pee twenty times a night maybe].

I thought, under the circumstances, I would have some fun with it, so I have been: seeing how long I could hold my breath, running fast, submerging my whole body in water, yelling into it, and pushing the "please note this in the print-out" button attached to the device, which they specifically told me not to push unless I was experiencing dizziness or weakness... well, I was... because I was spinning around in circles very, very fast.

Yeah, I'm a bit of a trouble maker, I guess. Oh well.

Labels: personal

My blog break was really good. But I think I am ready to return to the land of blogging. So much has happened, I couldn't possibly tell you everything. However, here's a few nuggets of what I've been up to for the past few months:

• We had a terrific Christmas and New Year's. Lots of time with family and friends.
• We booked a cottage for our vacation this summer. Yeah, we're totally excited already. Every couple days I look at pictures of the cottage and daydream about wearing my flip flops down to the dock and sipping a lemonade before diving into the lake and having a swim with my kids. Mmmmm summer.
  
• I have been experiencing some health problems for a few months. After test after test after test, I have been diagnosed with diabetes, B12 deficiency, a stomach ulcer, and... they are still doing some tests on my heart. I am now on a diet and exercise plan and I take some medication and get regular injections. Good times. It could be worse, I guess.
  
• I am over halfway finished writing my book. It should be about as interesting to read my story as reading a bathroom stall wall at a gas station.
• We are now in the process of looking for a new full-time staff member at The Freeway: a "community pastor". Let me know if you're interested and I'll drop you a line with more details.
  
• We hired a church planting intern, Jason Dockeray, as of the beginning of January. I have been coaching him for about a year, and now he will work and learn and train full-time at The Freeway for a whole year. If he survives, he will be sent out [in January 2009] to plant a church community in another neighbourhood in downtown Hamilton. Very exciting. I have been thoroughly enjoying coaching Jason, and I look forward to seeing what this brilliant young leader does in the future.
  
• The cohort [the leadership team at The Freeway] is really starting to gel as a team. We have had several great get-together's and meetings in 2008 and I am excited about how things are shaping up for us as a community.
• We have been actively trying to raise financial support for our ever-expanding community work in one of Canada's poorest neighbourhood's [particularly our work with children]. Click here and support us [or send us a cheque] if you are able to.

Well, it's good to be back.

Labels: blogging, personal

I won't be blogging for... well, I don't know how long. I have completely lost interest, to be honest.

If you want to keep up on me or what is happening with my community at The Freeway, you can feel free to e-mail me at pernell [at] frwy [dot] ca.

Peace.

Labels: blogging, personal

It's been a while since I have posted on my blog. Sorry. I have been away for two weeks [you can read about where in the previous post].

I will update you about our Cultivate Gathering [which took place last Saturday] really soon and post a video of the day, etc. It was a fabulous event. But for now... something completely different.

I took a walk yesterday. I needed to. I had a really tough morning. Nay sayers. Big problems to solve. Life catching up with me all at once... like drinking from a fire hose. The weight of what we are undertaking here hit me like the baseball bat I took to the head when I played softball in grade five.

Also, after being away for two weeks hob knobbing with creatives, leaders, and squeaky clean churchy church people in majestically beautiful environments, I suppose I needed to decompress and be brought back into the reality of the life I have chosen [or has chosen me].

As I walked around downtown by our coffee house, nearly in tears, wallowing in self-pity, I passed drug dealers, prostitutes, gang bangers, bums, people who were outright talking to themselves [one of which was losing a shouting match with himself]. Dirty people. Scary people. People with obvious mental health issues. Broken people. People in motorized wheelchairs.

I saw poverty. I smelled poverty. I was smothered by it. I could barely catch my breath. It completely overwhelmed me to the point that I had to sit down a few times along the way. I was overtaken with hopelessness.

The objectification and terrorization of women and children really caught me off guard on my walk. Sex sells. It also buys. It was everywhere.

There are tons of people in our neighbourhood who are simply looking for the next fix. Figuring on how to get through the day. Seemingly wishing they were somewhere else... someone else.

I look down a lot when I walk. I try to avoid eye contact, if at all possible. I looked down a lot on my walk yesterday and I saw used condoms, drug paraphernalia, garbage, debris.

Lonely people abound here. I couldn't escape the notion, even at the busiest pedestrian street corner in Hamilton, that I was totally alone too. Abandoned. Surrounded by thousands of people, but completely isolated and alone.

I made a couple calls on my cell phone. I was desperate to hear a friendly voice. I was losing my mind to sadness and despair.

Several times I debated reaching out and hugging someone. Randomly. A stranger. Someone who looked like they could use a hug.

But I resisted the urge. I did nothing. I just kept walking. Hoping to God the world would change. I wish I had the courage to hug someone. To do something. But I don't.

This place is so screwed up on so many levels.

I went out for a walk to catch my breath, to make myself feel better. But I feel worse. What am I doing here? Surely, Jesus wouldn't want me to live here. This can't be what he has for me, can it? How do I escape the notion that I am a pathetic failure at making any difference whatsoever? Or is that it, failure is the thing?

I just don't know what Jesus wants me to do with all of this. What does subverting the empire as a kingdom person look like here? What do I do?

It all seems so hopeless. I feel very over-taken and broken. I don't live up to expectations put on me [or those I put on myself]. I come off like a professional sometimes... a guru... but I am weak and stubborn and silly and forgetful and...

I guess I just feel pretty overwhelmed sometimes.

[Note: Please don't try and answer the above questions for me. They are rhetorical.]

Labels: church planting, cultivate, personal

The old blog hasn't been too cheery as of late. Sorry about that. It's not because there aren't good things happening in our family or our community... it's just been a rough go, that's all.

How about "the bright side" for a change:

• The Freeway has a new church planting intern, Jason Dockeray, who I am excited to be coaching. Jason and his wife Kristen will be planting a church community in the northeast end of downtown Hamilton a year or so from now. Very cool. I am sure I will update you as things progress.
• [CML] was granted some more support by The Salvation Army, allowing us to reduce the cost of registration [at least for the first year]. If you are still considering joining us for six months of mission training in an urban community, you should jump on. If you don't know anything about [CML] check this out. This will prove to be a fantastic experience.
  
• Cultivate Gathering - our learning party - is coming up on November 17, and it is almost sold-out. If you are considering going, drop me a line asap so I can save you a spot.
• I am away for the next two weeks: Next week from Monday to Thursday I am in Vancouver for a leadership retreat with the other "35 under 35" finalists. The week after I am in Ottawa at Imagine - the national church planting congress - with Jason Dockeray & Jordan Donald from The Freeway and some other friends from all over.
• Our family is coming through the darkness of the past few weeks and are beginning to breathe and see light and function "normal" again. I am thankful to God for his healing in our lives and for the wonderful community of friends and spiritual family he has surrounded us by. We are very fortunate people.

I will be posting whenever I can in the next couple weeks and will hopefully be back to giving you a little more than depressing thoughts and drivel.

Labels: church planting, leadership, personal, the freeway

I went to the doctor this week because I have been experiencing some gastro-intestinal problems... to say the least. Turns out I have a bleeding ulcer.

Anyone care to kick me in the nuts? Now would be a good time.

Labels: personal

My wifey has written a very deep post on how she/we are doing in the wake of recent events. Please head over and give her some "blog love".

Labels: family, personal

This was our third miscarriage in a year and a half. We are devastated. We have three young children. Having kids is not a romantic notion for us. These were very real children we lost. Though we didn't really know them yet, we loved them immensely and would give anything to hold them in our arms.

Even if we try to pray, our prayers often crumble in our souls, our dreams dissolve in our hearts. Despair seeps in the doors, taps at the windows, and threatens to clog all our passages of hope. How can I speak softly to God when I see, yet again, the fruitless stain of my wife's blood; when she feels the lifeless mass slipping from her womb; or when we hold a beautiful, perfect but still child in our hearts? For us, no amount of explanation—medical or theological—can soothe.

We know these precious babies are with God. We just wish they were with us, you know?

This has been very tough for us as a family to deal with. Very tough. We are still in the thick of grieving and questioning and feeling a profound sense of loss.

Our community of friends and family has been incredibly supportive and amazing. Thank you to those of you who have offered prayer and support, commented on my blog, e-mailed us, called us on the phone, dropped by, made meals for us, filled in the holes in my absence around The Freeway, cried with us, sent cards and flowers, etc. We really could not get through this time without those who love us carrying us.

This past weekend, some of us we went away on a spiritual retreat with The Freeway and it was great to be in community with people we love. To be able to get away, smell fresh air and see God's artistic work in nature was absolutely incredible. Our study and discussions of 1 Peter was also an incredible experience for me... and I think for all of us. There are so many folks in our community who I absolutely love dearly. They too experienced loss and are grieving. We are in this together.

I am sad that I couldn't be with my buddies on the documentary film tour, but by the looks of things they had a great time and were inspired by what God is doing in the places in this Nation they got to visit. I can't wait to see the footage of the road trip and be inspired by the stories of incredible journey-mates as well.

Another friend, Phil Prendergast and his wife, Stephanie, also experienced a miscarriage recently. And I know many others who have in the past as well. I offer this prayer:

"Seeing our days are determined, the number of our months are with You, You set limits that we cannot pass. "
--– After Job 14:5

God, we are weary and grieved. We were anticipating the birth of a child, but the promise of life was ended too soon. Our arms yearned to cradle new life, our mouths to sing soft lullabies. Our hearts ache from the emptiness and the silence. We are saddened and we are angry. We weep and we mourn. Weep with us, God, Creator of Life, for the life that could not be.

Source of healing, help us to find healing among those who care for us and those for whom we care. Shelter us under wings of love and help us to stand up again for life even as we mourn our loss.

Amen.

Labels: documentary, personal, the freeway

Unfortunately, my wife Margie had a miscarriage and we lost our baby on the weekend. Needless to say, we are at home this week: resting and grieving.

Labels: personal

In my face to face relationships only seldom does miscommunication happen. And when it does, it is usually fairly easy to fix/overcome especially in a relational context. Perhaps this is why I don't like speaking at conferences, etc. - there is not really much relational context - yet I feel fine speaking publicly amongst my own community and tribe.

But online [blogs, e-mail, etc.] and in print [magazines, newspapers, etc.] , I just can't seem to say what I want to say. I get misquoted, and feel like I am misunderstood quite often.

I think that there is obviously a major difference between oral and written dialogue. I prefer the former. Body language, tone, and intent are far easier to "read" when someone is speaking. And I guess I am more of an "off the cuff" kind of guy.

Sometimes I feel like I should not say anything online or in the media anymore. Life would be so much simpler if I could just keep my mouth shut in these types of venues, and just stick to face to face, real live community.

Labels: personal, writing

My wifey and I have been married eleven years today. Eleven years. Unbelievable. We have three great kids together [and one on the way - we are expecting a baby in April], a beautiful house in which to live, in a city and amongst a community of people that we absolutely adore. Life is really good today.

We have been through many struggles and hard times together. Relational difficulties. Hard life circumstances. Major challenges and stressful situations. Dark days. Sometimes unhealthiness has abounded. To say that life has been difficult at times, would be an understatement. But we have remained partners in love. We have remained committed to our idea of what building a life together might look like. And we have remained faithful to God in what he has asked us to do as a family.

I have more respect and admiration and love for my wife now, than I ever have. She is a strong, giving, hospitable, relentlessly unselfish, hard-working, beautiful [inside and out] woman. When I first asked her to marry me twelve years ago, I perhaps didn't realize it at the time, but I was making the best decision I've ever made in my life.

The only real question to ask is: How did a guy like me score a girl like her?

Lucky, I guess.

Labels: family, personal

In July, I had mentioned that I was one of the finalists in the 35 Under 35 National Recognition Project. Well, Christian Week Magazine has featured all 35 finalists in an issue of their magazine entitled "Surge" which I think is now available [or will be really soon].

Apparently, I made the cover:


You can read the article about me here [click on image to enlarge]:




Check out www.christianweek.org or click here for a PDF version of the issue, to read about the other 34 finalists.

Labels: leadership, personal

One of my good friends, Krista [who I have known for 12 years, has been a Freewayer since the get-go in 2001, and whose husband is my best friend in the world], happens to be a brilliant, super-talented photographer. Today we set out bright and early to take some shots of me in our neighbourhood in downtown Hamilton [I need photos of myself for some promo stuff coming up].

It was so great to grab a coffee, walk around a neighbourhood that we both absolutely love and catch up with each other... it was amusing to see Krista carry all her photography gear around. For instance, she wields the biggest camera lens I have ever seen in my life, the thing must weigh 20 pounds.

By the way, if you are ever looking for a photographer for... well, just about anything anywhere... you should consider Krista Jefferson Photography. She seriously rocks.

Here's a few photos she took today: Link

Labels: personal, photos

Apparently I was chosen as one of the finalists for the 35 under 35 national recognition project. Just being nominated (hundreds were) was a thrill and an honour, but to have been chosen as one of the top 35 nominated Christian leaders under the age of 35 in Canada... wow, I am blown away!

The award comes with some perks too, including an Arrow Leadership retreat this fall in Vancouver, an article featuring each of the finalists in Christian Week Magazine (which we get a year's subscription to), a luncheon for the finalists featuring Brian McLaren, etc.

Thank you so much to those of you who thought enough of me to nominate me. I am seriously speechless.

Labels: leadership, personal

I have to admit something which is fairly embarrassing for me: I iron clothes a lot. Jeans, shorts, t-shirts, pretty much everything I wear [aside from undergarments] I iron them, and iron them well. I have to iron them in the morning right before I put them on. I really hate wrinkles. I don't totally know why, but I do. I am obsessive about ironing clothes. I bring an iron with me on trips... just in case. I iron shorts that I am about to wear to go ride my bike, or play basketball, or jog. Ridiculous.

I tell you all of this, because public humiliation is great... no, because this is one symptom of a larger problem I have. I need help. My obsessive compulsive perfectionist tendencies are simply annoying. I like things a certain way, and I am prepared to work my arse off to get them that way. I need things to be just right.

Those who know my family know I come by it quite naturally. I come from a long line of perfectionists.

Now, this is not all necessarily bad, in that working hard to achieve goals and doing your best can be admirable traits. The problem is, however, I have the same - often unreasonable - expectations of others that I have of myself.

See, I want things done right and deep down I think everyone should strive for that level of perfection. They shouldn't. But I think they should. And, frankly, I often think I can do better myself.

One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn in the last decade is that no one can do things exactly like me. Thank God, because I screw a lot of crap up. It is unfair and unreasonable to expect others to achieve things at the same level, and in the same way as me.

Being a church planter has made me face this weakness in my character over and over again. In fact, it has exposed every single limitation within me constantly.

Being a bit of a pioneer and having vision as a leader and the ability to start new initiatives, comes with a high price tag for me in terms of this weakness. Basically, my tendency is to have everything have to be built on me... my ideas... my hard work... my decision-making... my skills. I have needed to fight that urge at every turn, and I continue to have to fight it.

My feeling is that if I am to continue to become the missional practitioner in this context that I think Jesus desires me to be, and to lead The Freeway into the next phase of living as a missional community, then I have to kill the urge within me to be successful, to do everything well, to be recognized, and to lead everything myself [or to have it done the way I would do it]. I need to relinquish, trust God, and trust those I am in community with. This has been very hard for me in the past, and likely will continue to be.

I guess at the end of the day, I really want to be OK with wrinkly clothes... or clothes ironed by someone else that don't look like they would if I had ironed them myself. Because those who iron them bear the mark of the Creator as well... and from the beginning he has been drawing people to himself and accomplishing his work, not by the great skill of those who iron perfectly, but by our inability to do things by ourselves, and our total reliance on him.

Labels: leadership, personal, writing

Well, the Yahoo! Fantasy NBA League that I was in this year with a bunch of my buddies is now done as the basketball regular season ended yesterday. I've just got to tell you: I kicked some serious butt this year... I came in first place by a land-slide. In the immortal words of Charles Barkley, "I am in the business of kicking butt, and business is good." Yay for me!

Labels: friends, personal

I have been overwhelmed by the positive comments here on the blog recently [and by e-mail as well]. Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to add your two cents. Your encouragement means a lot.

It is time to move on. Here's what's been happening for me in the past few days:

• The Meeting House's youth retreat went really well on the weekend. Great kids who really seemed to engage with what I was talking about. Fun, crazy times [to say the least] ensued all weekend long. And I even discovered something about myself... I am too out of touch to do youth ministry. It's amazing how fast you lose the youth ministry mojo.
• Sunday night I led worship at The Freeway [which I rarely do for obvious reasons, if you have ever heard me sing] and I really felt like the experience connected with the community gathered... and I had a lot of fun. It was Rachel's last "official" Sunday before moving to Sarnia to marry Nathan and join theStory. Sad, yet quite exciting really.
  
• Today I got my pain injection in my back [for those who don't know, I have had several surgeries ever since I had a tumour on my spine about 9 years ago], and I get an injection every 6 months or so to help alleviate some of the pain. I will be resting for the next 24 hours or so.
• Cultivate Gathering is coming up this Saturday and I am really excited about it. We are almost full, so if you are planning on attending you should drop me a line and let me know asap: pernell AT frwy DOT ca.
• We are currently taking applications for our [CML] initiative starting in September. If you are between 18 and 30 and are interested [or know someone who is] in spending a year in an urban community living out God's mission, while being trained and equipped as an apprentice of Jesus, drop me a line: pernell AT frwy DOT ca.
  
• We are also accepting resumes for the full-time position of "Community Pastor & [CML] Director" at The Freeway. If you are interested drop me a line: pernell AT frwy DOT ca.
• My tribe, The Salvation Army, have approached me about writing a book. I don't know how I feel about that yet. I will process the idea for a bit longer before deciding either way.

I think that's it for now.

Labels: personal, speaking, the freeway

I received this comment by an anonymous person recently on one of my blog posts, and I've been thinking about it quite a bit since. Here are some observations:

• I really hate anonymous comments. I deleted two previous blogs partly due to my frustration with people's annoying, anonymous comments. If people aren't willing to identify themselves, what business do they have taking verbal [or written] jabs at me? I don't think anybody should write anything anywhere they aren't willing to attribute to themselves [unless they are quoting someone else, in which case they should attribute it to the author]. I may even delete anonymous comments from this blog from now on, because they really bug me... and that includes positive ones as well. I realize not everyone has a Blogger account and needs to log in as anonymous, but they can sign their name at the end of the comment.
  
• I was also bugged by this comment because, judging by a couple of things they said, it would appear to be someone who knows me... maybe even a member of my family. Ouch. They still haven't identified themselves, and I don't expect that they will. But the fact that they would leave an anonymous comment like that... annoying to say the least. Have the decency to at least e-mail me a message like that for goodness sake.
  
• I am an embarrassment. It's true. I even embarrass myself often. I cross the line. I go too far. I say stupid things. I am egotistical, rude, selfish, self-centered, overbearing, mean, and arrogant far more than I care to admit. The reality is, it is usually only when people I care about, and who I know care about me, point out my mistakes that I learn, grow, change, repent, apologize... or whatever else is necessary for me to correct the situation. If you don't care about me, don't think for a moment you can really have any impact on me in the long haul [this is a good reminder for me as a pastor when it comes to how I deal with others and their shortcomings]. And if you are leaving an anonymous, negative comment... you obviously don't care about me one iota.
  
• I need to be far more careful with what I say and to whom I say it... "oh, be careful little mouth what you say..." That likely means that in some situations I likely can't "be myself". I wish this weren't the case, but sadly, I think it may well be.
  

Well, I probably won't blog again until after the weekend [by the way, I am really excited that Mark Jefferson is going to accompany me to the youth retreat at Muskoka Woods that I am speaking at this weekend].

Peace.

Labels: blogging, leadership, personal, the salvation army

This weekend I am speaking at The Meeting House's youth retreat at Muskoka Woods Sports Resort. The high school youth from all The Meeting House sites are coming together for the weekend. And even though I don't agree to do many speaking engagements [because I generally don't like speaking to outside groups for weekends] I am actually looking forward to this one.

I have a lot of respect for the pastors at The Meeting House. All the guys I have met seem to be amazing people - Ken, Bruxy, Paul, Rich, Darrin, Matt - and they do stuff for the Kingdom that I could never do. I have only met the youth pastor, Matt Wilkinson, recently but he seems like a great guy too, and we seem to have a lot in common. I look forward to learning with him this weekend.

It's funny, I have so many memories of Muskoka Woods. I went there first in 1989 when I was 16 years old [I believe it was] for a Salvation Army youth councils. At the time, the chief secretary of The Salvation Army [the second in command of the country] was a guest at the camp and I kissed him on the cheek while he spoke in front of the 300 or so youth, because someone dared me to. He was really great about it, and had a good laugh.

I also remember tearing it up on the half pipe while girls looked on. In my mind, it was insane. Ah, romantic memory is awesome.

That weekend, John McCauley was the speaker and his stories really captivated me... although I don't remember any of them now. I do remember him making fun of me in the bathroom because I was styling my hair... I had to look good, you know? I had no come back either... I'd like him to try that now. I don't remember what he spoke about that weekend. I don't remember many sermons over my life actually. I don't remember all the people that were there... although I am sure many of them are on facebook and will remind me. But I do remember the weekend having an impact on my spiritual journey. And I remember meeting Jesus there.

I know the folks I speak to this weekend will likely not remember much of what I say, but I hope their journeys are impacted by the weekend. I hope Jesus meets them there too.

Labels: personal, speaking

Rob Faulkner, a reporter for The Hamilton Spectator, did a short write-up on me in the paper today [read the article here], not willing to be out-done by The Toronto Star, I suppose [blog post here | article here].

I really love that Rob featured our new [CML] initiative in the short article. The piece is more about what we're doing at The Freeway, than who I am. His wife has apparently been to the coffee house and absolutely loves it, so he thought he should feature what we're doing in his column a little bit.

In the process of being interviewed by reporters as of late, I am learning how important it is to choose my words very carefully. I have a new respect for people who are constantly in the limelight, being interviewed. It is so easy for what you say to be misconstrued sometimes. Even what is chosen to be printed among all that you say, is quite interesting. It seems that reporters often have in mind what story they are looking for, and they shape the content to make you fit. And sometimes they don't even tell the truth... imagine that. This will all be a good learning process for me, I am sure. Part of me wants to never speak to the media again, but I know that our story at The Freeway is an important one that we need to tell, so I will simply need to learn this new skill.

Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

Labels: personal, tattoos, the freeway

I was featured in an article [along with a few others] written by Jennifer Hollett [of MuchMusic fame] in The Toronto Star today about religious tattoos. My mom will be so proud!

And even though I am misquoted a couple times, it's a pretty good article. It is funny though what - out of a two and a half hour interview - they decide to print. And even though I know I am likely opening up a can of worms with the fundies who frequent my blog... you can read the article here if you are interested.

Jennifer Hollett was very nice and a terrific interviewer. I used to really like her on MuchMusic too.

Labels: personal, tattoos, the freeway

I am thirty-four years old today. What a geezer.

I got breakfast in bed this morning served by my three wonderful kids. They all blogged birthday greetings too... here, here and here.

Later we are going to see this movie together [although wifey is working all day and evening and can't join us].

Labels: personal

Don't worry, this won't be a rant. I am literally sick and tired... I have some sort of bronchial infection. I have been down and out pretty much all week. I will visit the doctor today and see exactly what's going on. This will be my first visit to my family doctor in about a year.

Labels: personal

I am likely worse. Please keep that in mind as you read my blog. I am a mess. I am arrogant and stupid. I am selfish and pig-headed. I am confident, and yet a total chicken. I am opinionated and rude. I pretend to know stuff, and speak well "on my feet"... but I know very little, I just have the need to sound smart and together and right. I am lazy and forgetful. I am rarely the person I should be, or the person I really want to be, or the person Jesus created me to be. I am a miserable failure in many ways.

For Lent, I am going to try and become less of me... and give more of me away. We'll see how it goes.

Labels: personal, writing

Since a few of you inquired by e-mail why I hate February so much, I thought I would attempt to hash out some of the reasons here. I know some of these will seem silly to some of you, but... in the immortal words of Bubble from The Trailer Park Boys [a classic Canadian TV program] "that's the F---ing way she goes, boys."

1. It is typically grey and cold and yucky out in February. Even though we have had a mild winter, I still want it to end now. I like sunshine. I need sunshine. I want to wear shorts and be outside more. Plus I am allergic to dust. Furnaces cause dust. Trapped inside more. Dry, dusty air. Not cool.
2. February is burn-out month anyway. Hey, why fight it. It's a known fact that more people burn-out in February than any other month. I am no different, I suppose.
3. My birthday is in March. Ever since I was a teenager, I have hated my birthday. I hate getting older [although the alternative doesn't sound good either]. I think about it at least a month in advance. Silly? Probably. But that's the way I feel. Things are in a lull in February and I begin to think about what I have really accomplished in my life. I am turning thirty-four this year and I just think how much time I have wasted... and about my failure to be the person I know I want to be, and to accomplish anything significant. Which leads me to number four...
   
4. I think too much. Way too much. I barely sleep at this time of year, because the wheels are always turning. I analyze everything I do. Which can be good, but not when you feel depressed and are not thinking clearly.
5. Many of the most negative experiences in my life [the bigger crises] have happened in February. Emotional memory, I suppose.
6. Regardless of how personally aware, self-controlled, intelligent and otherwise level-headed I am... and even though I know it's coming and there's no good reason for it... I can't help how I feel: depressed, down in the dumps, sad. And unfortunately, I am all too good at putting on a happy face when I need to.

That's all she wrote... I think.

Labels: personal

Busy with busy stuff: Life has been mundanely, insanely busy as of late for the most part. Not much to report though really. I have simply hunkered down and worked away at stuff for the past few weeks.

***

February blues: I friggin' hate February. Blah. I can't wait for March. I don't why I am always sad in February, but I am.

***

The new series at The Freeway: January was "Generosity" month, February is "Everyday Jesus."

***

Too hip to be square: I went to The Tragically Hip concert with Dave this week. Good times. But I am getting too old for concerts.

***

You like that rock 'n' roll kids? I am playing drums in a brand spanking new band... and I am very excited about it. I will tell you more when we finish getting our website together [soon]. Needless to say "I need more cowbell."

***

A work in progress: I got some more tattoo artwork done this week. A Celtic swirl [spirit] and a Celtic triquetra [trinity].

I have a couple more pieces to go on this arm, and then some background work. I hope to be done this arm by this summer.

Labels: personal, tattoos, the freeway

Today is the birthday of one of my best friend's in the whole wide world, Mark Jefferson [aka Markus, Mark Jefferdaughter, Marko Polo, Butt-head]. He is thirty-five years old today. Woo Hoo. The old man doesn't look a day over forty either, trust me!

Mark and I have been really good friends since 1994, when we met in Bible College [our girlfriends - now wives - were roommates and we became friends by association, I suppose]. Well, it wasn't long before we became good friends in our own right. We have gone away on dozens of trips together, visited each other consistently when we lived in different cities, and he was the first Freeway "recruit" when we moved to Hamilton in 2001 and has been a great pastor to this community ever since. Fact is, The Freeway would simply not exist without Mark. I would have likely "thrown in the towel" years ago if it wasn't for his wisdom, insight, encouragement, partnership, and being able to laugh at each other [mostly me at him].

I have had quite a few good friends over the years, but none who make me a better person like Mark does. Twelve years, and not one argument or fight. He is literally the smartest, coolest, most refreshing guy I know... I am really quite sweet on him... in as manly a way as I can muster.

Happy birthday, buddy. And even though people may poke fun at you for a couple of these, here are three of your favourite tunes:

Labels: friends, personal, videos

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. The last few weeks have been hectic, yet not much to blog about at this point. Here are some snapshots of what's been up around my world:

• Lucas has been having a hard time listening at school. His grade one teacher says that he talks out, acts silly, and is easily distracted by others. I feel his pain, but we have been trying everything to get him to adjust his attitude and listening. We created a form that his teacher fills out everyday, so that we can praise him when he does well [has a good day] and give him consequences when he doesn't. We have really been trying to keep up on him daily. I have to say, I hate punishing my kids. It makes me really sad. For instance, on Wednesday Lucas spent the majority of the evening in his room [he had a very bad day at school]... it may well have been harder on his mom and I than on him. Parenting is hard work, and we know we have to just stick at it. But I really dislike punishing my kids.
• Plans for the development of some new initiatives at The Freeway that I talked about continue. We are tossing around ideas, formulating plans, writing proposals, praying hard [not necessarily in that order].
  
• I have spent 75 hours in appointments/community/meetings with people in the last two weeks alone. Lots of people time. It's been great, but tiring sometimes too.
• I have written my denomination asking for a short sabbatical this year. I haven't heard back yet. We'll see.
• I have been calling, e-mailing, searching for a nice place within a couple hours drive from Hamilton to host The Freeway spiritual retreat this March. No luck so far. Know any good places?
• Last week was the due date for one of the babies we lost last year. Very sad. My wifey is ready to try again, and still wants more kids. I just don't know.
• Our generosity series at The Freeway has probably caused more discussion/buzz/direct action than any other teaching/exploring series so far. Our community seems very open and interested in learning about and becoming more generous [and therefore more missional]. This is one of the things I have always loved about The Freeway - it is a community that wants to change and grow and learn. It's quite nice to be involved in a community like this... I highly recommend it.
  

Labels: blogging, personal, the freeway

I have always pretty much refused to make New Year's resolutions. I think they are kind of stupid. But I do have some ideas for 2007 which will require some major changes in how I did things in 2006. Dreams, if you will, of how my life will differ in the coming year:

1. CHURCH PLANTING: I will plant another missional community. I have been dreaming about this for quite some time now. This will be the year I take the plunge. Plans are already in the works. Don't get too excited, I won't be leaving The Freeway altogether quite yet.
   [More about this soon.]
   
2. RELATIONSHIPS: I will intentionally spend time and energy developing some of the newer relationships I made in 2006 outside of The Freeway community, particularly those with my neighbours and those living in the urban centre of Hamilton. I found myself so wrapped up in The Freeway this past year that I had little time for anything else. That will not happen this year.
   
3. SABBATICAL: I will take a sabbatical of sorts. I don't know how long yet, or exactly when. Details are sketchy so far. But I need some time to re-evaluate my life, get some rest, rejuvenate, breathe, do some writing, play with my kids, and ride my bike. I will take between 2 and 6 months off from full-time ministry.
   
4. SPIRITUAL PRACTICES: I will explore spiritual practices with more rhythm, regularity and intensity. I have booked myself into a monastery for two weekends in 2007 for a personal spiritual retreat. I am taking a sabbatical. I will concentrate on spiritual formation and on prayer with more intentionality than I have in the past. I will also explore practices that I never have... or at least haven't in a long time.
   
5. GENEROSITY: I will re-evaluate how we spend our finances, making every effort to become more generous. Not just personally, although that's huge, but as a community at The Freeway as well. I was not very generous in 2006... I really failed in this area. That needs to change.
   

Labels: personal, the freeway

I have been fighting some sort of a nasty virus for a few weeks now. I know a bunch of people who are feeling [or have recently been feeling] ill. Some days I feel fine, other days not so much. I have also not been sleeping well at all... not at all. And I have been feeling pretty worn down... and sometimes even depressed.

Today I feel like garbage. I want to lay in bed, put the covers over my head, and stay there all day long. But I can't. I have stuff to do.

Here are some observations about me which I think are related to how I feel, and what I intend to do about them:

• I have not had a whole day off since September. This is not good. I have tried to take one, but something always comes up. This is no longer good enough. I need to take some time off. I need it. I have really never been very good at taking time off. I feel guilty, there's always so much to do, people need me, etc. I will write a day off per week, and a weekend off per quarter into my calendar and that will be that. Period.
  
• 2006 has really sucked in a lot of ways for us. I am glad that it is almost over. It has been the hardest year of my life, I think. Even in the midst of that, a lot of incredibly good things have happened as well. Both the incredibly good and the sucky things that have happened have been very stressful. I am under way too much pressure [partially self-imposed] and am getting wound too tight. I feel like I am "behind the eight ball" in many areas of my life, and there is so much I need to accomplish. I really need to find a way to relinquish more. I will talk to my close friends and see if I can't find some ways to "let go" of some stuff.
  
• I don't hug enough. I used to be more of a hugger. But I am not so much anymore. I have been finding myself becoming more and more closed off emotionally [and even bitter in some ways] as of late. Not with my family so much, but with everyone else. I really need more human interaction and to show love more [perhaps not while recovering from this virus]. I want the people who I care about to know that I care about them. I will intentionally be more open. I will give hugs. Look out.
• It has been grey and dreary and dirty here in Hamilton for too long. I need the sun. I need snow. It's Christmas for crying out loud. Weather has an effect on how I feel [more so the older I get], partially because I am outside less - because it's gross out - and partially because I let it get me down. I will take walks. I will get outdoors more. I will breathe fresh air more deeply. I will stop and look at things. Really look at them.

Recap: Time off. Talk to friends and relinquish. Hug. Be outside and breathe.

Feel free to ask me how I am doing with these things, if you care.

Labels: leadership, personal

The Old Bill has tagged me. What a guy. He says: "It's childish, I know, yet for some reason irresistible. Like passing notes in junior high." Well, if that's true, I can only assume that he's either sweet on me or helping me cheat on a test. In any case, in the spirit of continuing the note passing, here are five things you probably don't know about me and then five people I want to tag:

1. I got another tattoo yesterday. While some people around here know that, not many have seen it. It says "shalom". Here's a pic:

   
   

   I have three more tattoos booked for January 3rd - two stars representing the two children we lost earlier this year, and my wifey's name.
   
2. When I was in theatre school [1990-1993], I auditioned for a part in a professional theatrical production in Toronto. I got the lead role, but never performed in the production. I chickened out.
3. I got lost in Algonquin Park when I was 19 years old. I was camping with a few friends, got lost, freaked out, found my way back after 9 hours of being lost. While wandering through the wilderness, I said the classic "God, get me out of this and I'll do whatever you want." Here I am a pastor. I am a man of my word, I guess.
4. When I went to my high school prom, I was dancing in my tux [people used to call me "elastic band boy" because of my unorthodox dancing style] and I split my pants in the crotchal region. It was no small tear either. Very embarrassing.
5. When I asked my wife to marry me [in the ravine beside Tyndale where we first kissed] I cried like a baby. I was shaking like a leaf, felt sick to my stomach, and super-emotional. She still said "yes" because... well, because she couldn't resist my charms obviously.

You're it:
Joe Manafo, Jordon Cooper, Headphonaught, Steve Taylor, Robby Mac

Labels: personal, tattoos

...I am a little disappointed. I expected some well-crafted comments on the last post... are you people sleeping? I give you sarcasm, self-glorification, 100 Huntley Street [for all those under the age of 400, it's a Canadian Christian program], the opportunity to take a jab at me... and the best you can do is a comment by Joe Manafo in an e-mail to me: "your popularity in the 55-75 year old demographic is off the charts this week".

Sure, Steve had a nice James Dobson line in the comments on The Freeway post of the same name, but come on.

That's it?

This blog sucks. Thanks for nothing.

Labels: blogging, personal

One of the things I have learned as I reflect back over my ten years of full-time pastoral ministry is that I make a lot of mistakes. Lately I have been thinking about some of the "rookie moves" from the first few years of being a pastor. I post them here both for your reading enjoyment and to let this be a lesson to you... don't be like me.

LESSONS ABOUT MINISTRY LEARNED EARLY ON:

1.) Don't hang a moon [ie. show your bum] on the toboggan hill at winter youth camp. It may seem really innocent and funny at the time, but it's apparently not funny to some people and you can get in trouble... a lot of trouble. Not to mention the humiliation of explaining the whole thing to your church and denominational superiors.

2.) Don't spout your ministry resume at everyone you meet. You really don't need to prove yourself all the time. Besides, no one really cares how fast your youth ministry grew from 4 to 350 kids. Especially when it was so centered on you that it all virtually fell apart when you left.

3.) If a father of one of your youth group members falsely accuses you of sexual molestation of his 15 year old daughter, and comes to your office while you are working at your desk, and sneaks up behind you and grabs you by the back of the neck and lifts you from your chair and says "I am going to kill you now"... don't punch him in the face. Because later, when his daughter admits that she lied, you can't take the punch back.

4.) You know when parents say to you, "Don't give me parenting advice. You're not a parent yourself, you snotty-nosed kid." They are right. You don't have the first clue what it's like to be a parent until you are a parent, no matter how many textbooks you read [and despite getting an A+ in "marriage and the family" courses in Bible College].

5.) If your church situation is so bad... if the congregation is really that unhealthy... if the senior pastor won't give you an inch and you think he/she is jealous of you... Do something about it. Work through it, or get out. Don't just sit around and complain about it... and for the love of Pete don't stay just because you get a pay cheque.

6.) When you decide to build a team of leaders because you realize you can't do everything, don't tell them: "This is my vision from the Lord. So this is how it will be." What you're really saying is: "It's my way or the highway". And that's just plain insulting and stupid.

7.) When you go to pastors conferences, etc. please don't ask other pastors: "So, how's your church/youth ministry doing?" When what you mean is: "How big is your church/youth ministry now?" For one thing, "penis envy" of this sort gets you nowhere. For another thing, who cares? And for another thing, why not ask about them as people? Get to know other pastors as friends. It seems to me if we really cared more about others in ministry, less of us would really blow it in ministry. We're in this together, right?

8.) Don't make excuses all the time. Sometimes you forget stuff. Or mes stuff up. Or hurt people. It's OK. Just say "sorry" and move on. You're not perfect. You're not a superhero. You won't meet everyone's expectations and needs... and you will likely hurt people. Learn to say "sorry"... it's very refreshing.

9.) Don't work so much that you force your spouse and family to take what's left [over] of you. But don't work so little that your ministry never amounts to much in terms of Kingdom activity. And don't work so ineffectively [wasting time] that it takes you so much time to do stuff that you don't have time to get things done. Time management is an art form. Learn it, asap.

10.) Don't let your whole identity get wrapped up in your church. Get out once in a while. Do stuff. Make friends that have nothing to do with your church. Get a hobby. Expand your horizons. Read books. Party with your neighbours. Volunteer. Lead a missional life... don't just talk to others about it.

Labels: church planting, leadership, personal

... in my neighbourhood... in my neighbourhood... or at least in my network[hood].

In addition to the folks from my own church community who I got to hang out with this week [and will not name here], I had several inspiring one-on-one coffee/lunch meetings with some very cool people who really inspire me. It seems this was a busy network kind of a week for me... a week that I really needed. I spent time with my friends: Jamie Robertson, Steve Baldry, Larry Jaremko, Joe Manafo, Darryl Dash, Jared Siebert, and Chris Jones.

• Jamie is a former Freewayer, now a United church pastor in Oakville. We talked about life, kids, faith, and Will Ferrell... and we laughed a lot [like we always do].
• Steve is my former Bible College prof, now a Presbyterian pastor in Hamilton... and one of my mentors. We talked about theology and life and what it means to be a pastor.
• Larry is my colleague in The Salvation Army. He is responsible for business administration in our region. We talked about the coffee house and how to continue to develop the plan to keep it going. We also talked about creation and art and beauty.
• Joe is the guy who tolerates Nathan Colquhoun at theStory in Sarnia. We are kind of soul-mates. We talked about church planting, leadership, creativity, our kids... we talked about a lot of stuff actually.
• Darryl is a leader at Resonate and a Baptist church pastor in Mississ-sausage. We talked about the emerging church, theology, missiology and ecclesiology... and life.
• Jared is a stooge... a denominational stooge. Once the rock star pastor of the next church in Kingston, now he is just a church plant instigator for Free Methodist Church in Canada. We talked about Greenhouses and Cultivate [we're planning one for March]... and we talked complete shenanigans and drivel... we are both great at that.
• Chris is my neighbour. We talked about entrepreneurship, family, web design, and guy stuff.
  

Perhaps unknown to you, these guys speak into my life in various ways. They inspire me to keep going. They make me feel valuable... like I have something to say. I came away from each of my encounters with them this week feeling truly inspired. Like I could keep going. Like I mattered. Like I was part of something really special. I was encouraged to dream... and to be me.

It was like the feeling you get when you eat a great meal - until you are full - with people you love being around. Satisfied. Content.

And they are not the only people in my life who make me feel this way. Not even close.

We all need people who believe in us. Who inspire us to be better. Who hold us accountable for what we do and how. People who we can network with and be in community with and work on projects with. People who guide us and give us advice and love us for who we are.

Am I a person like that to someone? Are you? Do people feel inspired when they walk away from time spent with me [and you]?

We have the opportunity to make a difference to people every single day. But do we?

Just something to think about, I guess.

Labels: friends, personal

I have something to share, but first a disclaimer of sorts:

Obviously as a pastor I do not post most of my daily happenings on this blog, particularly visits, meetings, counselling, mentoring, etc. with members of our community. I am obviously bound by confidentiality and therefore cannot write about many of the day-to-day happenings around here. Nor can I make reference to people's personal issues, correspondence sent to me, conversations, etc. That would be a conflict of interest and a serious breaking of the confidentiality code which is rightly expected of me as people's pastor. Likewise, I don't post feelings, hassles, beefs, frustrations, etc. I happen to be having with people in our community... that would just be dumb.

I have also tried not to post correspondence or interactions I have had with people from "God knows where" who seem to feel the need to attack what we're doing at The Freeway from afar... or from around the corner. And there have been many. On average I would say I receive at least one nasty e-mail a week [I say "nasty" because they don't want to dialogue about these things, nor do they give a hairy rat's ass about us as a community or me as a person, they just want to inflict their verbal religious attack on us]. In addition, we have been "featured" several times on a few websites which aim to shed light on the "heretical invention of man" known as the emerging church. I will not link to those sites as I don't want to give them any more web traffic than they already receive.

Today I make an exception to my rule about not posting stuff sent to us. Here is an excerpt from an e-mail which was sent to me. I will not respond to this obviously... what could I say? Pure drivel... and completely laughable:

"It's obvious that your "church" is all about coffee and community, and not the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Oh Brother! You offer 'organic/fair trade coffee' to boot! Who could ask for more? (Except maybe a convicted sinner looking for God's grace). You think it is ok to bring the world into the church to try and win souls for Christ? But Jesus NEVER did any such thing. The preaching of the cross is what brings souls into the kingdom of God. We are to pick up that cross and follow Jesus, not pick up a TRAY and follow him. Now where's that verse where Paul talks about opening up a restaurant in Corinth and 'helping out the city' in order to make the Gospel more attractive? I can't seem to find it. All I find is Paul preaching the Gospel boldly and directly everywhere he went and getting beat up for it (and, oh by the way, the church growing in numbers daily.) All that with no bean bag chairs and expresso in order to better 'relate' to the throngs of folks just chomping at the bit to accept Christ if only approached with the right ambience. How did he do it? Guess the Holy Spirit just ain't what He used to be.

You seem to use that phrase "incarnate" the message of Jesus a lot. That means, show God by how you act, how you live (be nice!) rather than tell of God and proclaim His Word with words! The Lord told us to preach the Word. Where is the bible? Not needed in "incarnational" ministry. Well, it didn't work then and it doesn't work now. It sounds good in theory, but that is not how we are to preach the gospel. We separate from the world, preach Jesus Christ crucified, and let the Holy Spirit draw them in.

Where in Scriptures did you read Jesus teaching His disciples "Go ye therefore to all the world, opening up coffee shops and telling them to 'experience me' through incantations, "incarnations of truth" Perhaps in the Emergent Apocrypha you can read there was a passage about Jesus wanting His disciples to go and make coffeepickers of men. Peter and Pa