This was our third miscarriage in a year and a half. We are devastated. We have three young children. Having kids is not a romantic notion for us. These were very real children we lost. Though we didn't really know them yet, we loved them immensely and would give anything to hold them in our arms.

Even if we try to pray, our prayers often crumble in our souls, our dreams dissolve in our hearts. Despair seeps in the doors, taps at the windows, and threatens to clog all our passages of hope. How can I speak softly to God when I see, yet again, the fruitless stain of my wife's blood; when she feels the lifeless mass slipping from her womb; or when we hold a beautiful, perfect but still child in our hearts? For us, no amount of explanation—medical or theological—can soothe.

We know these precious babies are with God. We just wish they were with us, you know?

This has been very tough for us as a family to deal with. Very tough. We are still in the thick of grieving and questioning and feeling a profound sense of loss.

Our community of friends and family has been incredibly supportive and amazing. Thank you to those of you who have offered prayer and support, commented on my blog, e-mailed us, called us on the phone, dropped by, made meals for us, filled in the holes in my absence around The Freeway, cried with us, sent cards and flowers, etc. We really could not get through this time without those who love us carrying us.

This past weekend, some of us we went away on a spiritual retreat with The Freeway and it was great to be in community with people we love. To be able to get away, smell fresh air and see God's artistic work in nature was absolutely incredible. Our study and discussions of 1 Peter was also an incredible experience for me... and I think for all of us. There are so many folks in our community who I absolutely love dearly. They too experienced loss and are grieving. We are in this together.

I am sad that I couldn't be with my buddies on the documentary film tour, but by the looks of things they had a great time and were inspired by what God is doing in the places in this Nation they got to visit. I can't wait to see the footage of the road trip and be inspired by the stories of incredible journey-mates as well.

Another friend, Phil Prendergast and his wife, Stephanie, also experienced a miscarriage recently. And I know many others who have in the past as well. I offer this prayer:

"Seeing our days are determined, the number of our months are with You, You set limits that we cannot pass. "
--– After Job 14:5

God, we are weary and grieved. We were anticipating the birth of a child, but the promise of life was ended too soon. Our arms yearned to cradle new life, our mouths to sing soft lullabies. Our hearts ache from the emptiness and the silence. We are saddened and we are angry. We weep and we mourn. Weep with us, God, Creator of Life, for the life that could not be.

Source of healing, help us to find healing among those who care for us and those for whom we care. Shelter us under wings of love and help us to stand up again for life even as we mourn our loss.

Amen.

Labels: documentary, personal, the freeway

You may recall me mentioning last January that some buddies and I are making a documentary film on what God is up to in Canada in regards to church planting and new forms of church. We have been working on the project for about 10 months.

Next week, four of us: Jared Siebert, Joe Manafo, Nathan Colquhoun, and myself will head out for our Ontario & Quebec tour. Here's the itinerary if you are interested in having a "wee boo". If you live in one of those towns or one on the way to those towns and want to have coffee or a meal with us [or have us over], drop me a line: pernell@frwy.ca or 905-929-9476.

Basically, we will spend one week in a car travelling all over the place, interviewing leaders of new communities, eating... whatever, sleeping in cars, motels, people's houses, cracking jokes and laughing hard, being creative... and hopefully, be inspired by what God is up to in our land.

We will be blogging about our travels as we go. Stay tuned.

Labels: documentary, friends

I told you about the film me and my friends are working on this year [sponsored by Resonate and Thinker Labs]. Well, we have just put a website online, so you can follow all the goings-on, if you are interested. Check it out and sign up for the RSS feed.

Labels: blogging, church planting, documentary

Tomorrow I am getting together with some friends [Jared, Joe, Nathan, Jeremy] who I will be making a documentary with this summer about the emerging church in Canada. We will travel around for a couple weeks and discover what new, innovative, organic communities are starting in this Nation, and help tell their story through film.

I am really looking forward to working on this creative project with artists and creative-types, who are also my good buddies [OK, I don't really know Jeremy yet, but we'll be good friends soon].

Labels: church planting, documentary, friends