Archive for May, 2010
Pleasant Surprises & No Surprises
One of the interesting things that has happened during this transition phase I find myself in currently – and something I have been surprised by – is that certain people who I wouldn’t have expected to, have been very supportive of what I am going through. Equally surprising are the folks who I haven’t heard anything from… but let’s go with the positive flow for now, shall we?
Thanks so much for the phone calls, emails, Facebook messages, face-to-face conversations, and letters. I really appreciate my network of friends and family. I have needed to rely on you and your words and encouragement and thoughts and prayers recently. Thank you. The amount of people who have “spoken up” with words of encouragement and have tried to help me process where I am at and what I need to do in this process of re-discovering who I am and what I am supposed to do and be, and the amount of people who have offered support, advice and advocacy has literally blown me away.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Not too surprising has been the support of my beautiful wife, Margie. She is honestly amazing. Truly my partner in this life. I would amount to virtually nothing in this world if it were not for her and her love for me. This has been an especially hard time on her… but she continues to support, encourage, advocate, inspire and love me. Being “in it together” has made such a huge difference. I love the little Maggot!
I Know This Is A Bit Weird
This is the first time I have ever used Wi-Fi at Starbucks. Ever. I am waiting for my Ford Escape to get fixed at the garage this morning, so I thought I would kill some time at St. Arbucks and work on my laptop.
I generally enjoy working in coffee shops. Far from being distracted by the hustle and bustle, I sort of crave it. I need background noise and action to really concentrate well. So far I have seen and chatted with three people I know… kind of strange considering this isn’t anywhere near my neighbourhood. I enjoy running into people I know in random places. Good times.
Today I am working on a vision document. Drafting some ideas of what I think I am supposed to do with my life. I feel like it is important to write down some thoughts, draw some pictures, commit something to paper (or screen) in order to help get to the bottom of some questions currently on my mind: Considering our family is sort of “starting over” and re-creating our identity in a way (much of our identity was wrapped up in The Freeway for nine years), how do I want our life to be? What do I want to be different than it has been? Whether for my vocation or not, if I start another holistic Christian community (which is likely at this point), how will what I have learned shape what that looks like?
I admit that I feel a bit like Tom Cruise in Jerry McGuire: “It’s not a memo, it’s a mission statement.” Getting very little sleep over the course of a few weeks will do that to you, I guess.
Well, back at it.
Starbucks = mediocre (over-priced) coffee, mediocre internet access, nice atmosphere, and taking care of business.
Community & Yard Work As Therapy
Friday and Saturday we had a sleep-over party with some good friends. We were supposed to go camping this weekend, but because the forecast was calling for crappy weather, we opted not to go… kind of last minute. We went to the drive-in movies on Friday night, they all slept at our house that night, and then on Saturday we headed to St. Jacobs to the farmers’ market for the day, followed by some games and a terrific meal with meat and vegetables purchased at the market.
Today, Margie and I did a ton of yard work, garage cleaning and gardening. We are achey and exhausted now. But at the same time, it feels so great to have been outside working with our hands. The sun was shining all day and it was great to work on something together. We make a pretty good team.
All in all, this weekend’s activities has been a much-needed distraction from what is otherwise a pretty stressful, busy time in our lives. Tomorrow we are planning some fun stuff as a family. It will be really good to have the extra day off to relax and enjoy each other.
Thank you and happy birthday, Queen Victoria.
Only Fool’s Rush In
For the past couple weeks I have been actively sending out resumes, making connections, wheeling and dealing to try and find out what I am supposed to do for employment come August. I want to keep my options pretty open and not rush into anything… but I am also all too aware that I can’t afford to be without a job… that would be bad. So on the one hand: Don’t rush, this is a big life-altering career decision. On the other hand: I have a family who need to eat, bills to pay, etc. Therein lies one of the tensions I am now living in.
One of the things I am trying to convince myself of during this process is not to panic and take the first thing that comes along (which, so far, has been easy to resist because there is nothing concrete to take yet), but instead to take some time to really process what I am supposed to do with my life at this point… ask good questions, talk to everyone I know, not rule out anything, be open to the process, etc. I think it is important for me not to settle for what I can do… but instead to figure out what I am supposed to do. I hope I have the time to get to the bottom of that… August 1st seems to be quickly approaching.
Not So Much
We had our real estate agent come to our house yesterday to assess what we would need to get done to put our house on the market and to tell us what he thinks we might be able to list it at, should we choose to (or have to). Hopefully, all of that is “just in case” as we really love this city, this neighbourhood, this house… but we would rather be prepared with plan A, B, C and D in light of the imminent end of my employment in a couple months.
It’s weird what your mind and emotions do during transitions like this. One minute you can be truly hopeful, excited and peaceful. And then the next minute you can feel lost, nervous, scared, and sad. I think I may have experienced all of those at some point yesterday. Reality set in a bit as we considered even the possibility that this wouldn’t be our home anymore.
That’s huge.
I am sure when all of this unfolds the way it is supposed to, I will look back and appreciate this journey… but right now, not so much.
The First Sunday After
Just a few weeks ago I spoke at a church in London, ON where a good friend of mine had finished up as pastor the week before. The week I was there was his first Sunday attending the church, but not as a pastor. I thought then that it must have been weird for him. But amazing that he could stay there.
Today I have a bit better of an idea of what he was going through, I think. This is one week after I told my congregation that I was leaving. A new pastor couple has already been named to replace me and a date set. To be honest, I feel strange about worshiping with my community today… not bad, just strange.
I am sure over the next couple months as I prepare to leave this church community, I will have a chance to think about what they have meant to me, and what difference this whole process of planting and staying nine years has taught me; how it has impacted my life, and that of my family, in profound ways. I have been changed by community. I have been part of a changed community.
As I reflected on this journey for a few moments this morning, I couldn’t help but think back to the twenty-eight year old kid who moved here in 2001 hoping to change the world, having been given an opportunity he didn’t deserve. I was young, I was energetic, I was determined, I had a lot of “out there” ideas (so I thought) about church, I loved Jesus and I wanted to do anything I could to be faithful to his call in my life. But I was also stupid, ignorant, too young, a rookie pastor, and too proud… among other things.
It seems to me that one of the things being part of this community has done for me, is help me to face me. To come to grips with some flaws in my character and leadership… constantly. To fail. To make mistakes. I have been beaten, heart-broken, humbled, shattered, disappointed, frustrated, and used. And I have been the cause of those things in others, unfortunately.
We have endured some very difficult circumstances being here. Some that I do not wish to go through ever again. But we have also seen miracles… even as recently as this week. We have seen lives literally changed forever. We have seen impossible circumstances become possible. I think we have even seen our neighbourhood change.
I have learned how to allow others into my space, and they have allowed me into theirs, and we have shared God there. I am a different person than I was when I came here. I will leave changed. No doubt about it.
A Tough Transition
The last several weeks and months have been very difficult in many ways, particularly emotionally, for me. I have really wrestled with who I am and who I think I am supposed to be. Part of that has to do with the community with whom I live, work and love (I will write more about how I feel about them in a subsequent post). I first had a sense that I needed to transition out of full-time pastoral leadership at The Freeway last summer. Previous to that I have had many, many moments when I wanted to quit, but those never really lasted long.
I remember being at the cottage we rented for two weeks last July and laying on my back on an air mattress in the lake on a beautiful, sunny day staring up at the sky. It was really peaceful and amazing as I floated out towards the middle of the lake. But suddenly a sick feeling came over me and my stomach physically hurt (it could have been the Crohn’s, I suppose), and the thought came to me: “Leave. It’s time.”
Well, that feeling never really left me, although I tried to ignore it for a while. By Christmas I knew I had to do something to help sort through how I was feeling, so I started talking with some friends and mentors that I trust in order that they might help me discern what was happening inside of me (not the Crohn’s, the transition). By March, I was confident that I needed to transition out of The Freeway – although I still desperately hoped it wasn’t true – so I began communicating with my leaders at The Salvation Army about what was happening and I formed a team at The Freeway to talk about the transition to new leadership. I have been committed to trying to ensure a smooth leadership transition although it hasn’t been easy.
Long story short… on Sunday, May 9th I announced my resignation to my church community and on Tuesday, May 11th new leaders were announced to take my place as pastors of The Freeway. They are a Salvation Army Officers from Boston, MA named Bill & Sue Dunigan. They will start at The Freeway on August 1st. They seem like really great folks and I am excited about where they, along with the amazing local leaders at The Freeway, will lead the church community in the future.
So, between now and then, I need to figure out exactly what I am supposed to do in terms of my employment and where that will be. I am nervous, excited, scared to death, and hopeful all at the same time. Welcome to the chronicling of the adventure my family and I are on at this point.
Back In The Saddle
OK, here’s the deal: I have started and then deleted three different personal weblogs (may they rest in peace). I started blogging in 2001 with Typepad and then in 2003 with Blogger and then in 2007 with WordPress. For various reasons, I deleted all of those blogs. It’s been well over a year since I did any personal blogging, but hopefully, it’s like riding a bike.
I am starting yet another blog (v4.0) because I want to chronicle my journey from this to that. I am a guy who is transitioning from one thing to another. I have made the major decision to leave The Freeway – a church that I planted in 2001 for The Salvation Army, though I am not sure exactly what I am going to be doing. I guess I want to post my thoughts along the way.
No promises how long this little blogging adventure will last. But this will likely be quite a ride… jump on.