These Are The People In My Neighbourhood
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
It's been a while since I have posted on my blog. Sorry. I have been away for two weeks [you can read about where in the previous post].
I will update you about our Cultivate Gathering [which took place last Saturday] really soon and post a video of the day, etc. It was a fabulous event. But for now... something completely different.
I took a walk yesterday. I needed to. I had a really tough morning. Nay sayers. Big problems to solve. Life catching up with me all at once... like drinking from a fire hose. The weight of what we are undertaking here hit me like the baseball bat I took to the head when I played softball in grade five.
Also, after being away for two weeks hob knobbing with creatives, leaders, and squeaky clean churchy church people in majestically beautiful environments, I suppose I needed to decompress and be brought back into the reality of the life I have chosen [or has chosen me].
As I walked around downtown by our coffee house, nearly in tears, wallowing in self-pity, I passed drug dealers, prostitutes, gang bangers, bums, people who were outright talking to themselves [one of which was losing a shouting match with himself]. Dirty people. Scary people. People with obvious mental health issues. Broken people. People in motorized wheelchairs.
I saw poverty. I smelled poverty. I was smothered by it. I could barely catch my breath. It completely overwhelmed me to the point that I had to sit down a few times along the way. I was overtaken with hopelessness.
The objectification and terrorization of women and children really caught me off guard on my walk. Sex sells. It also buys. It was everywhere.
There are tons of people in our neighbourhood who are simply looking for the next fix. Figuring on how to get through the day. Seemingly wishing they were somewhere else... someone else.
I look down a lot when I walk. I try to avoid eye contact, if at all possible. I looked down a lot on my walk yesterday and I saw used condoms, drug paraphernalia, garbage, debris.
Lonely people abound here. I couldn't escape the notion, even at the busiest pedestrian street corner in Hamilton, that I was totally alone too. Abandoned. Surrounded by thousands of people, but completely isolated and alone.
I made a couple calls on my cell phone. I was desperate to hear a friendly voice. I was losing my mind to sadness and despair.
Several times I debated reaching out and hugging someone. Randomly. A stranger. Someone who looked like they could use a hug.
But I resisted the urge. I did nothing. I just kept walking. Hoping to God the world would change. I wish I had the courage to hug someone. To do something. But I don't.
This place is so screwed up on so many levels.
I went out for a walk to catch my breath, to make myself feel better. But I feel worse. What am I doing here? Surely, Jesus wouldn't want me to live here. This can't be what he has for me, can it? How do I escape the notion that I am a pathetic failure at making any difference whatsoever? Or is that it, failure is the thing?
I just don't know what Jesus wants me to do with all of this. What does subverting the empire as a kingdom person look like here? What do I do?
It all seems so hopeless. I feel very over-taken and broken. I don't live up to expectations put on me [or those I put on myself]. I come off like a professional sometimes... a guru... but I am weak and stubborn and silly and forgetful and...
I guess I just feel pretty overwhelmed sometimes.
[Note: Please don't try and answer the above questions for me. They are rhetorical.]
I will update you about our Cultivate Gathering [which took place last Saturday] really soon and post a video of the day, etc. It was a fabulous event. But for now... something completely different.
I took a walk yesterday. I needed to. I had a really tough morning. Nay sayers. Big problems to solve. Life catching up with me all at once... like drinking from a fire hose. The weight of what we are undertaking here hit me like the baseball bat I took to the head when I played softball in grade five.
Also, after being away for two weeks hob knobbing with creatives, leaders, and squeaky clean churchy church people in majestically beautiful environments, I suppose I needed to decompress and be brought back into the reality of the life I have chosen [or has chosen me].
As I walked around downtown by our coffee house, nearly in tears, wallowing in self-pity, I passed drug dealers, prostitutes, gang bangers, bums, people who were outright talking to themselves [one of which was losing a shouting match with himself]. Dirty people. Scary people. People with obvious mental health issues. Broken people. People in motorized wheelchairs.
I saw poverty. I smelled poverty. I was smothered by it. I could barely catch my breath. It completely overwhelmed me to the point that I had to sit down a few times along the way. I was overtaken with hopelessness.
The objectification and terrorization of women and children really caught me off guard on my walk. Sex sells. It also buys. It was everywhere.
There are tons of people in our neighbourhood who are simply looking for the next fix. Figuring on how to get through the day. Seemingly wishing they were somewhere else... someone else.
I look down a lot when I walk. I try to avoid eye contact, if at all possible. I looked down a lot on my walk yesterday and I saw used condoms, drug paraphernalia, garbage, debris.
Lonely people abound here. I couldn't escape the notion, even at the busiest pedestrian street corner in Hamilton, that I was totally alone too. Abandoned. Surrounded by thousands of people, but completely isolated and alone.
I made a couple calls on my cell phone. I was desperate to hear a friendly voice. I was losing my mind to sadness and despair.
Several times I debated reaching out and hugging someone. Randomly. A stranger. Someone who looked like they could use a hug.
But I resisted the urge. I did nothing. I just kept walking. Hoping to God the world would change. I wish I had the courage to hug someone. To do something. But I don't.
This place is so screwed up on so many levels.
I went out for a walk to catch my breath, to make myself feel better. But I feel worse. What am I doing here? Surely, Jesus wouldn't want me to live here. This can't be what he has for me, can it? How do I escape the notion that I am a pathetic failure at making any difference whatsoever? Or is that it, failure is the thing?
I just don't know what Jesus wants me to do with all of this. What does subverting the empire as a kingdom person look like here? What do I do?
It all seems so hopeless. I feel very over-taken and broken. I don't live up to expectations put on me [or those I put on myself]. I come off like a professional sometimes... a guru... but I am weak and stubborn and silly and forgetful and...
I guess I just feel pretty overwhelmed sometimes.
[Note: Please don't try and answer the above questions for me. They are rhetorical.]
Labels: church planting, cultivate, personal
11:05 PM
your lament reminded me of a pretty famous prayer - I believe, help my unbelief. *hug* Thank you for sharing this Pernell, please know you are not alone in your lament nor are you alone in your mission