Still Processing Loss
Monday, October 22, 2007
This was our third miscarriage in a year and a half. We are devastated. We have three young children. Having kids is not a romantic notion for us. These were very real children we lost. Though we didn't really know them yet, we loved them immensely and would give anything to hold them in our arms.
Even if we try to pray, our prayers often crumble in our souls, our dreams dissolve in our hearts. Despair seeps in the doors, taps at the windows, and threatens to clog all our passages of hope. How can I speak softly to God when I see, yet again, the fruitless stain of my wife's blood; when she feels the lifeless mass slipping from her womb; or when we hold a beautiful, perfect but still child in our hearts? For us, no amount of explanation—medical or theological—can soothe.
We know these precious babies are with God. We just wish they were with us, you know?
This has been very tough for us as a family to deal with. Very tough. We are still in the thick of grieving and questioning and feeling a profound sense of loss.
Our community of friends and family has been incredibly supportive and amazing. Thank you to those of you who have offered prayer and support, commented on my blog, e-mailed us, called us on the phone, dropped by, made meals for us, filled in the holes in my absence around The Freeway, cried with us, sent cards and flowers, etc. We really could not get through this time without those who love us carrying us.
This past weekend, some of us we went away on a spiritual retreat with The Freeway and it was great to be in community with people we love. To be able to get away, smell fresh air and see God's artistic work in nature was absolutely incredible. Our study and discussions of 1 Peter was also an incredible experience for me... and I think for all of us. There are so many folks in our community who I absolutely love dearly. They too experienced loss and are grieving. We are in this together.
I am sad that I couldn't be with my buddies on the documentary film tour, but by the looks of things they had a great time and were inspired by what God is doing in the places in this Nation they got to visit. I can't wait to see the footage of the road trip and be inspired by the stories of incredible journey-mates as well.
Another friend, Phil Prendergast and his wife, Stephanie, also experienced a miscarriage recently. And I know many others who have in the past as well. I offer this prayer:
Even if we try to pray, our prayers often crumble in our souls, our dreams dissolve in our hearts. Despair seeps in the doors, taps at the windows, and threatens to clog all our passages of hope. How can I speak softly to God when I see, yet again, the fruitless stain of my wife's blood; when she feels the lifeless mass slipping from her womb; or when we hold a beautiful, perfect but still child in our hearts? For us, no amount of explanation—medical or theological—can soothe.
We know these precious babies are with God. We just wish they were with us, you know?
This has been very tough for us as a family to deal with. Very tough. We are still in the thick of grieving and questioning and feeling a profound sense of loss.
Our community of friends and family has been incredibly supportive and amazing. Thank you to those of you who have offered prayer and support, commented on my blog, e-mailed us, called us on the phone, dropped by, made meals for us, filled in the holes in my absence around The Freeway, cried with us, sent cards and flowers, etc. We really could not get through this time without those who love us carrying us.
This past weekend, some of us we went away on a spiritual retreat with The Freeway and it was great to be in community with people we love. To be able to get away, smell fresh air and see God's artistic work in nature was absolutely incredible. Our study and discussions of 1 Peter was also an incredible experience for me... and I think for all of us. There are so many folks in our community who I absolutely love dearly. They too experienced loss and are grieving. We are in this together.
I am sad that I couldn't be with my buddies on the documentary film tour, but by the looks of things they had a great time and were inspired by what God is doing in the places in this Nation they got to visit. I can't wait to see the footage of the road trip and be inspired by the stories of incredible journey-mates as well.
Another friend, Phil Prendergast and his wife, Stephanie, also experienced a miscarriage recently. And I know many others who have in the past as well. I offer this prayer:
"Seeing our days are determined, the number of our months are with You, You set limits that we cannot pass. "
--– After Job 14:5
God, we are weary and grieved. We were anticipating the birth of a child, but the promise of life was ended too soon. Our arms yearned to cradle new life, our mouths to sing soft lullabies. Our hearts ache from the emptiness and the silence. We are saddened and we are angry. We weep and we mourn. Weep with us, God, Creator of Life, for the life that could not be.
Source of healing, help us to find healing among those who care for us and those for whom we care. Shelter us under wings of love and help us to stand up again for life even as we mourn our loss.
Amen.
Labels: documentary, personal, the freeway
7:27 AM
Hey Pernell.
So sorry man. My wife and I lost three babies in the womb and are still without children. I feel your pain brother. These are seemingly senseless events of life. Is there anything redeeming about these events? I don't know. If there is, I certainly don't understand it.
So we stand on one thing alone: The nature of God is that of a goodness that transcends our understanding.
May God overwhelm you and your wife with his kindness.
Bill Huffhine
www.awaitingrain.typepad.com